Your body has been trying to protect you
If you have lived through trauma, you might notice that your body reacts in ways that do not seem to match what is happening around you. A door slams and your heart races. Someone raises their voice and you go quiet and blank. You feel exhausted for no clear reason, or you cannot switch off at night.
These reactions can feel confusing, frustrating or even embarrassing. They are not a sign that something is wrong with you. They are a sign that your nervous system learned to keep you safe in circumstances that were genuinely unsafe.
A quick look at the stress response
Your nervous system is constantly scanning for safety and danger, mostly without you being aware of it. When it senses a threat, it prepares your body to respond. Your heart rate goes up, your breathing changes, your muscles get ready to move and your focus narrows.
This is often described as fight, flight, freeze or fawn:
- Fight: feeling angry, tense, defensive or ready to argue
- Flight: feeling restless, panicky or needing to get away
- Freeze: feeling stuck, numb, foggy or unable to speak or move
- Fawn: going along with others, people pleasing or shrinking yourself to keep the peace
None of these responses are choices. They happen quickly, before the thinking part of the brain has time to weigh in. Research on traumatic stress shows it can be linked to lasting changes in the brain areas involved in threat detection, memory and emotional regulation (Bremner, PMC).
The window of tolerance
A helpful way to picture this is the window of tolerance, a concept developed by psychiatrist Dan Siegel (Institute for Psychotraumatology).
When you are inside your window, you can feel emotions without being swept away by them. You can think, connect with people and make decisions.
Above the window is hyperarousal. This can feel like anxiety, panic, anger, racing thoughts, feeling jumpy or not being able to sit still.
Below the window is hypoarousal. This can feel like numbness, flatness, exhaustion, disconnection or feeling far away from yourself.
Trauma, especially trauma that happened over a long time or early in life, can make that window narrower. It means it takes less to tip you above or below it. The good news is that the window can widen again with the right support, safety and practice.
Why “just calm down” does not work
When your nervous system is in survival mode, logic is not in charge. That is why being told to calm down, think positively or “get over it” rarely helps and can make things worse.
Regulation usually starts with the body, not the mind. Things like slowing your breath, feeling your feet on the floor, moving, changing temperature or being with a safe person send your nervous system information that it is safe enough to settle. We cover these in detail later in this series.
A note on polyvagal theory
You may have come across polyvagal theory on social media or in wellbeing resources. It has given many people helpful language for their experiences. It is also worth knowing that some researchers strongly dispute parts of the theory (a recent critique by a group of researchers), while its developer continues to defend it (Porges, PMC). You do not need to follow any one model for the tools in this series to be useful. What matters is what helps you.
Trauma looks different for everyone
Trauma is not only about one big event. It can come from ongoing experiences such as family violence, neglect, bullying, discrimination, medical trauma, systems that did not listen, or years of masking as a neurodivergent person in a world not built for you.
Two people can go through the same thing and be affected in very different ways. Your response is valid, whatever it looks like.
How MHRC can help
At Mindful Hearts Recovery Coaching, we work alongside people who are living with the effects of trauma, stress and overwhelm. Recovery coaching is not therapy, but it can help you understand your patterns, build practical regulation tools into daily life and connect with the right clinical and community supports.
You stay in charge of the pace. We are here to walk beside you.
If you would like support understanding your nervous system and finding tools that fit your life, make a referral or get in touch.
If you need support now: Lifeline 13 11 14, 13YARN 13 92 76 (for Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander people), or 000 in an emergency.
Sources
Bremner, J. D. Traumatic stress: effects on the brain. PMC
Understanding the window of tolerance in trauma theory. Institute for Psychotraumatology
Why the polyvagal theory is untenable. PMC
Porges, S. W. Polyvagal theory: current status, clinical applications and future directions. PMC